Sugar Babies (SB’s) tend towards not considering themselves sex workers, but they are. Ladies, if you are exchanging money and/or gifts for companionship, sex, or--as some put it, “private modeling”--even if it is only with one or a handful of men, then yes you are a sex worker and you should treat the potential threat level the same as any companion when dating. Sex work comes in a variety of flavors and the sooner one internalizes that, the better off they will be in whatever form they choose to engage in. The problem is many SB’s don’t take screening as seriously as they should because they are often meeting their suitors initially in person over coffee or dinner and in highly public scenarios before things are taken behind closed doors which gives them a false sense of security. I recently watched, “Curve” which sums up what I am saying so perfectly it’s chilling. The protagonist was taking the long route while driving cross country to be with her high roller fiancé.
As she driving along contemplating her upcoming nuptials, her truck suddenly dies. She gets out of the truck in the middle of a deserted strip of highway confused and frustrated and as she’s looking under the hood trying to figure out what’s wrong, a handsome male stranger stops and humbly offers her assistance. Super cliché, right? He’s quickly able to get her truck started and she asks where he is headed (clearly smitten) but also trying to just be nice. He says he’s walking to his destination but will be ok as it is only a few miles up the road. She drives away but you see the sympathy that she has for the guy as she slows to a stop a few yards away from where she left him. He hops in and says she can drop him at the highway which is roughly five or 10 minutes up the road. He makes small talk further earning her trust and reveals that he’s actually going to the next town over to a quaint, little motel and so, she passes the highway where she was supposed to drop him off and says she will take him all the way instead. No sooner than she says that he moves in for the kill revealing how her blind trust in him as a lone woman driving cross country lead her into his trap. This is a similar mistake many women make when sugaring.
They don’t often screen their potential suitors as professionals would a new suitor.
They think that since the first few meetings take place in public settings, "What’s the harm?"
That it is her job to make the potential Sugar Daddy feel comfortable not the other way around.
They are often easily lulled into a false sense of security immediately by his ability to rapidly pay for small things that she needs taken care of and they often adore being showered with gifts on a frequent basis not seeing that this is a move to create a sense of dependency and indebtedness although he will often state that is not so.
Slowly he reveals that he knows key things about her that he has not told him fully or she has elaborated on partially: Her family details, friend's names, or other details such as a speeding ticket gotten a year ago or other highly personal information. He states it in a nonchalant, almost “oops” way that makes him seem like a bumbling idiot but he knows just what he’s doing. He's playing her—pissing her off and frightening her just enough to make her subconsciously uncomfortable but not enough so that alarm bells ring and she drops him. His body language is measured and calculated so that he appears genuinely sorry but in truth, he’s not…he’s just getting warmed up.
Next, come the lavish trips and even bigger gifts. A much needed car, a trip abroad or some other place his sugar baby has never been. Again, she is lured with money but he grows increasingly jealous of her whereabouts and with whom she is associating with or if she is seeing anyone else. He will even go to great lengths to begin to harass others online who might be interested in her as well or will stalk her during hours when they are not together. Meanwhile, she feels as though she’s in a Catch-22: She knows what she needs to do but feels indebted and by now a little afraid of what might happen if she decides to fully cut him off.
A tug-of-war inevitably ensues where he places greater and greater constraints on her time, begins to reveal more personal details that he’s dug up on her/family/friends and whenever she get mad or lashes out about it, he throws money or needed gifts at her to shut her up. By this point he has isolated her enough to where she potentially may have cut off (or simply doesn’t have the time for) other sources of income leaving himself as the sole source.
I’m sure you can figure out what happens next: Either her reputation is completely ruined, she’s killed or badly injured when she attempts to end the relationship, or she gets out before any of the aforementioned happens but not without help. Ladies, if you or anyone you know is in this situation please encourage them to get as far away as possible from the guy and make sure that others in the community are aware of his behavior. Abusers of sex workers only continue the abuse when no one tells the community as a whole and since in most cases law enforcement is more so out to humiliate us than help us, it is up to us women to police our community and keep one another safe. Teach each other how to properly screen, how to spot warning signs, and reply with more than "yeah, he's ok" to reference requests. I encourage all women--be they strippers, companions, sugar babies, erotic massage purveyors, dominatrices, or what have you--to network in your city and get to know a few local girls very well who you can confide in regarding your dates and who will give you sound, blunt advice should you ever need it. Often it is through associations that a proper escape route is found.
“But he’s harmless! He would never hurt me or do anything bad. Yeah, the stuff he’s done pisses me off and scares me a little, but when I need something he’s there so I don’t exactly have a right to complain.”
IF A SITUATION MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RIGHT TO COMPLAIN AS LOUDLY AND AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN AND TO NOTIFY AUTHORITIES IMMEDIATELY!
Ask yourself this: If he truly respected you as a person then he wouldn’t have violated your and others' privacy and harassed people. He would not be stalking you to keep tabs on who you are seeing or what you are doing when not with him, he would respect when you say that you are unavailable and would not text incessantly and try to guilt trip you into talking to him or seeing him at all hours of the day and night. He would respect whatever schedule of communication and dating that you set up and let that be that. When a person respects you, they take you at your word and they do not do ANY of the aforementioned things—EVER!! Don’t forget most men are 5-10 times stronger than women on average and even the most willowy framed guy can often outmuscle most women should he want to.
When engaging in any area of sex work, be safe, SCREEN, and even after you screen someone if they start doing any of the aforementioned GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS POSSIBLE!
In the voice of my late grandmother when speaking to someone when I was a child of around five years of age: “All money ain’t good money, Chile, and you best learn the difference fast because it can cost your life.”
Safety first,
